Looking Back
by Darling M
Summary: Oneshot. Yami knows the idea of excelling oneself through selfdenial. He knows that to have a future, one must have a past. Still, no matter what he does, he can't understand what he feels whenever he looks at his light... Yami's POV, postDoma.


Note: I know I should be working on my other stories, but a little one-shot won't hurt, will it? I dont really have time to really write anything, but I hope you enjoy this one bit. Plus, I haven't posted anything in a long time, and I kind of forgot how. "xD

This is all from Yami's point of view. It takes place after the fight with Doma and before the Memory Arc. I hope you enjoy!

**Look Back**

Have you ever looked back at something you did in the past and asked yourself, "What was I thinking?"

Possibly, it was something like a diary entry. You look back and find yourself thinking, "Who wrote this?" all because you can't believe it was you. The thoughts, sometimes the profanity, would surprise you. "I couldn't have written this," you'd think. Though, the truth is...that you just don't want to accept the fact that you were somebody else before. When someone changes for the better, they don't want to remember the mistakes they made in the past. That's why...we deny our past selves.

Ryou once commented on his writing. Something in his writing changed, but for the worst. He looked at the stories he wrote before his sophomore year and said, "I wrote so much better back then." It really is the opposite of the last example -- don't you think? He also denied his past self, the person he was before he came in contact with his darker self, Bakura. Though, for better or worse, he's changed. Sometimes, you must deny or conquer who you were before something in yourself changed. At other times, we must hold onto who we were.

Basically, I haven't actually learned my lesson. Even if I made plenty of mistakes in the past, and changed somewhat for the better, I haven't learned my lesson. There are many examples of change and justice all around me, and yet I still make the same mistakes. Is it just my nature? Can't I overcome this one weakness that just keeps showing up?

After my friends and I won over Doma and Dartz, I remember swearing to myself never to make that same mistake again. The truth was, I wanted my partner to be angry with me. I wanted him to yell, hit me, demand a punishment of some sort. I believed that it was what I deserved. Yet...

I hesitated to apologize to him. I felt so angry with myself, because my pride just wouldn't let me do this one act of humility, something I owed my partner more than anything. This one act of humility wouldn't even be worth his time, but it was all I could do. I would kill for him, steal for him, I'd give him the world and he wouldn't allow it. I'd show him the blood of our enemies, and he'd grieve for them. Now, all I could do was apologize and I... I couldn't.

When I begged him to hit me, he looked at me with such a fearful face, full of concern.

When I begged him to trust me again, he smiled and said, "I'll always trust you, other me."

So, I made myself swear right in front of him that I'd never do that to him again. I'd never hurt him, or leave him, or throw him away ever again. I felt embarrassment, and I was glad for it. From that day on, I'd swallow all my pride for him. Someday, I'd be able to say, "I'm sorry," and shatter my pride, my wrath, everything at his feet...

Deny yourself. My partner always supported me in my search for my memories. He said that he didn't blame me. In order for me to go on into the future, I need my past to look back on. Anzu had told me something quite similar to that, and Jonouchi agreed as well. But, to deny oneself...

It is a bit impossible, isn't it? What's the difference between denying one's demons and conquering them? What was the difference between accepting who I was, and the oath I had made to my partner to swallow the darkness inside of me? Which one is right and which one is wrong?

Both he and Anzu tell me to accept who I am, to accept this vile demon inside of me. I don't see how Anzu could possibly understand, though. She hadn't seen who I was when I played the Oricalcos. She fell under my charms when I didn't have any, when I burned a man alive or sent one of her classmates into a nightmare-based coma. Still, she told me that if I thought that something about me was ever wrong, or made me feel bad, that I should deny those qualities within myself and use only my good traits. I realize she has as much pride as I have, or as Jonouchi and Ryuuji have, our little group of warriors.

Though, my partner... He says that it would be fine to accept who I was, the darkness in me, but I can see into his mind without his knowing. He thinks that he's blocked me, sometimes, and the truth is that I let him believe that, only so I can see into his thoughts without knowing that I was watching. I know it's absurd and rude. I already know that I'm selfish, but only...only when it comes to him.

I don't want him to hide anything from me, even with all the things I hide from him. I want to see his every thought, take in his every breath, I don't want to share him with anyone else. Sometimes, I look at his friends -- Jonouchi, Anzu, Ryou, and grandpa -- and I look at them with such loathing. Yuugi...he's my partner, mine.

He knows this. And sometimes...he fears me.

He thinks that fearing me is illogical, that he should trust me with his whole being. What's more, he's ashamed to have ever thought that I want him so much. After all, who would want someone like him? But it's true. He thinks about me, knows my wanting and ignores it. He does so everyday. He thinks that if I ever catch him thinking such things, I'd become upset, disappointed and angry. So, he hides his thoughts, his illogical pondering, and thinks that everything he fears about me is false.

Selfishly, this is how I want him, to trust in me completely and wholly, unable to avoid me, unable to hide any thoughts or feelings from me, even if it's...even if he feels fear of me. Besides, he should fear me. I'm never letting go of him.

When I think about it, I realize that this may be my pride talking. I feel that he is mine, and I hold him with my whole being. So, I feel ashamed. I promised my partner that I'd swallow all of my pride, all of it, and that I'd be better than who I was when fighting Doma. Yet, it is the very same person who I made the oath to, my partner, who stirs within me such a need and wanting that it seems wrong.

Sometimes, when I let go of all the possessive thoughts, when I forget that everything I feel for him is wrong, I think...I see...I love him. And he's mine. I swear, he's mine.

I can't deny this. I can't deny my feelings. It sounds absurd, ridiculous and completely unrealistic. These feelings are too strong; they grow stronger every time I stare at him. I've gotten to the point of avoiding him myself. I've gotten to the point of wanting to drift from him and at the same time not wanting him to hate me for it. I don't want him to get hurt, ever, but if I were to ever hold onto him...

Is this pride, or love, or lust or something else? I've denied my past self. I've felt as though I have conquered my inner demons, thanks to my partner and my friends. Jonouchi has, Mai has, Ryou and Anzu have gotten stronger, and dare I say, even Bakura the Thief King has resolved most of his mental complications. My partner has become the strongest, though, the brightest soul out of any of us.

I remember who I was before. I remember the things I've done when my partner first solved the Millennium Puzzle. I don't regret anything. I don't regret anything I've done back then. My partner may have grieved for his enemies and begged me to bring them back from their nightmares, but I never do. They hurt him, tried to kill him and his friends, and when they played my game, they all lost. That being said, I...

I loved it. Not as much as I love my partner, but I love it and crave it. I want to crush his enemies, hear them scream. And I want him to accept it, to abide by my rules, to...

To deny oneself. I can't take this. I want everything from my partner, you see!? Everything. I feel as if I was Pharaoh and that he should be mine, and at the same time, he is my partner and my equal. I also feel that he is my light, my savior, and the one who I should abide in everything, who I give my obedience, loyalty and life to. All the more, he's the only one I can ever really love.

I'm obsessed with him. I've been obsessed with him even before I knew it, when I was first unleashed from the Puzzle. And it's this part of me, this feeling that comes from the darkest part of my soul that I can't ever possibly deny. No matter what I swore about my pride, my wrath, my ego and faults, it's this wanting and possession that I can't and refuse to release.

I look back, and I think that I have never done anything to deserve him.

I look back, telling myself that, "I should have said this," or, "I should have done that," and what's more, I tell myself everyday that I should apologize.

_"I'll always trust you, other me."_

And everything that I look back on is eating me up inside, because everything and nothing has changed! We've all changed, we've all gotten stronger and have been through a lot together. My partner and my friends and me... We've all become so close, and it's as if we can face anything as long as we have each other. Everything has changed. 

And still, I look back and say that nothing has changed. This passion, this wanting, this darkness in me has always been there, is still there, and will always be there -- unchanging and a part of me. And it's because of the same boy who freed me from this darkness, from the Puzzle, the same boy who I want to stay with after retrieving my memories, the same boy who taught me compassion and light and unity.

I look back and ask myself, "What was I thinking?"

I look back and tell myself, "I'll never do that again. I should apologize."

And every day since then and yesterday, the feeling in me has always remained, always grown, and I can't even look at him anymore.

If I were to ever hold onto him...

* * *

Once again, any cookies on this will be great, including constructive ones. So, please review:D 


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